The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist

Loading . . .

Text and email are non-secure methods for transmission of personal health care information. It is highly recommended that you use personal email and SMS/MMS addresses only. Do not use addresses associated with work accounts. Individuals who have access to your email and SMS/MMS accounts will also have access to the following information about your care with your therapist

• Information related to the scheduling of meetings or other appointment dates and times (not to include the type of session or purpose of our meeting).
• Information related to appointment billing and payment amounts due (not to include any financial or claims-related identifiers including, but not limited to, credit card numbers, insurance plan numbers, diagnosis codes, or procedure codes.)
• Notices of communication on the secure message board from this site. All online communication with your therapist should be done on the TuckerWorks secure message board rather than through email or text. When your therapist replies you will receive an email that will only state the following “You have received a new message from //therapists name//, follow this link to view it: “https://www.tuckerworks.org/private-messaging/”

You may refuse email and SMS notices and reminders and still book appointments. However if you refuse notifications, you will need to regularly check the message board for any general notices from your therapist. If reminders and notifications are refused, you can still see upcoming appointments, and book, cancel, and reschedule appointments through the website.

The Sound Relationship House theory explains that trust acts as one of the weight-bearing walls in a relationship. When this wall suffers damage, the entire relationship becomes vulnerable. Responding to our partner’s emotions plays a crucial role in building and rebuilding trust. In Gottman Relationship Therapy, we apply the principles of attunement, even when our partner voices complaints about us. Trust grows when we listen to these complaints without being defensive and allow our partner to influence us. We show this by taking responsibility for hurtful events and making meaningful amends, which helps soothe every wound. Trust also deepens through openness in the relationship. Each partner needs an attitude of “let me help you understand what’s happening in my life.” Trust is further strengthened when we make the relationship a priority. This means honoring promises to our partner, even small ones, above those to friends, family, or work commitments. Fierce loyalty to our partner ensures the foundation of trust remains solid, allowing couples to restore and strengthen their bond.

There are four levels to The Sound Relationship House:

Level 1–Friendship. Friendship includes three parts:

• Love Maps: Love Maps form the foundation of the relationship house. This part of your brain stores key information about your partner, such as their heroes, villains, likes, dislikes, sources of stress, hobbies, beliefs, and fears. Think of it as a map that guides you to your partner’s heart. An accurate Love Map helps you understand how to bring them joy and navigate the sensitive areas of their emotions with care. Since relationships evolve, you need to update this map regularly as the landscape of your partner’s life changes.
• The Fondness and Admiration System: This part of your brain recognizes your partner as someone deserving of respect and affection. It recalls happy memories from the past and notices what is going well in the relationship. It identifies your partner’s admirable qualities and allows you to express affection for them. It encourages you to perform kind and caring acts. When it functions fully, it also creates feelings of desire and passion for your partner, strengthening your bond.
• Turning Towards Instead of Away: This concept, also known as the Emotional Bank Account, works through actions like showing courtesy, kindness, and honesty. You make deposits by keeping commitments and responding positively when your partner bids for attention. Additionally, it includes being willing to take responsibility and make repairs when the relationship experiences harm. These efforts strengthen the connection and build trust over time.

Level II—The Positive Perspective. A positive perspective develops when couples maintain a strong friendship. In other words, they keep their Love Maps accurate and up to date, they consistently express fondness and admiration, and turn toward each other’s bids for attention. When this happens, positive feelings naturally outweigh the negative ones. This process strengthens their relationship, fosters a deeper connection, and is the road to intimacy and great sex.

Level III–Regulation of Conflict. This measures how well the couple respectfully communicates and accepts influence from each other during disagreements. It requires a willingness to forgive and to accept the totality of our partners. It also requires each person to allow their partner time to calm down when emotions get in the way of listening. When this works effectively, repair attempts succeed, and both partners find it easier to reach a compromise.

Level IV—Make Life’s Dreams Come True/Create Shared Meaning. These two levels often overlap, as the couple works to honor each other’s dreams while also building a shared sense of meaning. This connection strengthens their bond.

The Walls of the House: The walls of the house consist of the trust and commitment that the couple builds over time. When every part fits together, the relationship becomes strong and secure.

Feeling connected requires seeing all emotions as chances to build a bond. By staying mindful and responding positively to a partner’s bids for connection, you increase the likelihood of another bid to 75%. This creates a positive spiral that strengthens the relationship over time. Ignoring or rejecting these bids, however, triggers a negative spiral, dropping the chance of another bid to less than 25%. Many long-term couples feel stuck in this negative cycle. Gottman Relationship Therapy focuses on recognizing small bids for connection and increasing both their frequency and the times partners turn toward them. This approach stops the negative spiral of distance and builds a positive spiral of connection.

OUR MAILING LIST

Emotions are seen as a way of getting closer. Increased intimacy is built by turning toward bids for emotional connection. Emotional moments are times to open up and build trust. There has to be trust and safety in the relationship for there to be a great sex life, a fun dating life, and to just enjoy time together. In Gottman Relationship Therapy we analyze what has happened to cause trust to erode and we provide a blueprint to rebuild trust. We identify the behaviors that are causing fear of further emotional hurt and provide principles to help heal. When our partners feel safe from emotional harm and feel connected to us emotionally the result is less disturbing conflict and an environment where rebuilding a sexual relationship is possible. We develop new rituals about initiating sex, how to say no, and how to take no. We identify all elements that put the sexual breaks on and find ways to safely take them off. We clarify the elements that enhance sexual desire and make plans to do more of them. Rebuild sex, romance, and passion in your relationship.

In the Sound Relationship House theory of relationships trust is one of the weight bearing walls. When this wall is damaged the entire relationship is at risk. How we respond to the emotions of our partner is an important component of building and rebuilding trust with your partner. In Gottman Relationship Therapy we practice the principles of attunement even when our partners are complaining about us. Trust is built as we hear complaints non-defensively and take influence from our partners. We demonstrate taking influence by atoning for unfortunate events in meaningful ways. Every wound is soothed. Trust is also built through attitudes of openness in a relationship. Each partner needs to have an attitude of “let me help you know what is happening in my life.” Trust is built by making the marriage a priority. We honor promises to our partners, even small ones, above those to friends, family, or our boss. We are fiercely loyal to our partners. Restore and strengthen the trust in your relationship.

Emotional safety is built through the process of attuning to the bids for our emotional connection. When our partners reach out to us and we reach back with humble understanding, acceptance, and validation they experience us as harmless. We are a safe harbor in the middle of a storm. Habits of ignoring or dismissing our partner’s feelings results in each being on guard, distant, and not safe. Safety is also communicated when our physical behavior says we are harmless. Intimidation, even when it is not intentional will always destroy feelings of safety. In heterosexual relationships, the men are often physically larger with deeper and louder voices than their female partners. Men often need to be doubly aware of what they are communicating physically. In Gottman Relationship Therapy we use video and physiological monitoring to help increase awareness of ways to increase safety when talking about troubles. Make your relationship a safe harbor.

Emotions are seen as a way of getting closer. Increased intimacy is built by turning toward bids for emotional connection. Emotional moments are times to open up and build trust. There has to be trust and safety in the relationship for there to be a great sex life, a fun dating life, and to just enjoy time together. In Gottman Relationship Therapy we analyze what has happened to cause trust to erode and we provide a blueprint to rebuild trust. We identify the behaviors that are causing fear of further emotional hurt and provide principles to help heal. When our partners feel safe from emotional harm and feel connected to us emotionally the result is less disturbing conflict and an environment where rebuilding a sexual relationship is possible. We develop new rituals about initiating sex, how to say no, and how to take no. We identify all elements that put the sexual breaks on and find ways to safely take them off. We clarify the elements that enhance sexual desire and make plans to do more of them. Rebuild sex, romance, and passion in your relationship.